Loving-Kindness
'We know and rely on the love that God has for us. God is love.
Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.' See 1 John 4:16 NIV UK
Loving-Kindness is a key mindfulness practice — and especially so in a Christian context.
Why is the practice important?
​
The experience of many people has been that regular use of the loving-kindness practice has changed them in deep and lasting ways: they have become more kindly, more compassionate, and more caring. And it's not just a matter of how they feel about other people but also shows up strongly in how they act and behave towards them too. Evidence from social psychology suggests the same thing too.
​
The practice can be used from time to time, now and again. Or it can be part of a daily prayer routine. (You'll see how close it is to prayer of intercession.) Some people regularly use the practice if they wake in the night.
​
We can do the practice in just a few minutes, two or three, or five or ten, but we can extend if we want. The practice can be done in simplified form in daily life too, while we're going about ordinary things. It's something we can do while waiting in a queue (maybe at the supermarket) or in a doctor's surgery, or while stuck in traffic.
​
Please note that the heart of the practise is having good-will towards others, but that that does not necessarily mean having warm feelings towards them. Warm feelings might play a part (and certainly sometimes do) but they are not by any means essential. Just think, God loves us, but does that mean he has warm, fuzzy feelings about us? Probably not. But what he does have (most certainly) is unfailing good-will towards us.
​
The Practice, step by step ...
Please note: for convenience and ease of use, towards the foot of this page, in a pink-tinted box there's a short summary of the steps of this practice. Click the button to access that that.
​
​
Step 1: A Simple Check-in
​
This need only take a minute or so, maybe even less. This check-in can help us appreciate what is going on in us just now, what we are working with. It is rather like checking the weather before we venture outside. Do we need a coat? An umbrella? Sunscreen? With ourselves it might be, 'Oh, I'm feeling nice and comfortable, or feeling a bit tetchy, or a bit adrift or even overwhelmed. And just as it's said, 'There's no bad weather, only inappropriate clothes', so we can say, 'There's no "wrong way" to feel, only an unhelpful attitude to those feelings.'
First, settle into your posture, whether sitting, laying down or even standing.
Take a few longer, deeper, and more deliberate breaths. Nice, long out-breaths will often help the body settle and relax.
​
Then our check-in can move through these simple steps:
​
What is the 'tone' of my body? Is it relaxed, tense, ... Maybe invite in a bit ease or relaxation. Long out-breaths can help.
​
How is my breathing? Steady and smooth? Shallow? Rushed? Am I holding myself tight and constricted? ...
​
What is the 'tone' of my mind, my thinking? Calm and steady, shallow, chaotic ...
What is the 'tone' of my emotions, my feeling tone'? Good, easeful, joyful? ... despondent? restless? ...
What is the 'tone' of my thinking, of my mind? Are my thoughts racing? Quiet, still and settled?
​
Step 2: The Main Step: Extending Good-will
This is the heart of the practice. Here we side with God in extending good-will to a succession of people. We do this having in mind that God has good-will towards everyone, which is not to say, of course, that he condones everything that everyone gets up to. Certainly not. But his good-will never fails.
​
First, if it helps, you might like to place a hand over your heart, what I often call your 'heart-space' the breast-bone area. Perhaps have in mind that we all, as it were, rest in God's own heart-space (see John 1:18; Lk 16:23. In these the original Greek text speaks of the 'bosom' of God and of Abraham.)
Next, we call to mind a succession of people and towards each of them we extend good-will. The guidance is to dwell with each person for a few seconds or a few breaths. (There are no rules here.)
It may be that warm feelings towards these people arise within us, and if that happens, that is good. But these warm feelings are not necessary; the intention of good-will is what's most important.
​
We hold in our hearts successively:
(And see the paragraphs just below headed in green for guidance on who to choose.)
​
1. Someone we easily warm to,
​
2. Someone we are 'neutral' about, or in other words, doesn't matter to us very much.
​
3. Someone we find 'challenging',
​
4. Our own self — this step is very important!
​
And towards each of these we side with God in extending goodwill, saying gently — and probably silently or in hushed breath:
​
'May you know ease, and peace, and fullness of life —
God's love, God’s blessings.'
​
We can end with a prayer or a simple blessing.
For example: 'May all those we have held before you today, and all those we carry in our hearts, know ease and peace and fullness of life, your love, your blessings. And may I too know your love and your blessings in my own life. Amen.
​
As for who we should choose ...
​
Someone we easily warm to; it is often recommended that we choose someone with whom we have a simple relationship. Many people will choose a baby, child, or toddler; but it can be an older person, maybe an older relative or friend. And is acceptable to choose a small group of people. You don't have to choose one or other of two twins. It is good, though to have a particular focus. This helps prevent us from just 'drifting about'.
​
The neutral person someone who is part of our life, but not special to us, neither friend nor foe. It may be someone on the till at the supermarket, a delivery person, a neighbour, the window cleaner, or someone we often see while out walking our dog.
​
Someone we find somewhat challenging — the guidance here is to choose someone not too challenging for us, not an ogre or monster in our life or someone who has traumatised us greatly. Even so, the guidance is to choose someone where there is a bit of an edge to our relationship to them and where it is a bit of a challenge for us to intend them well.
(I might suggest that what might well happen over time is the person or people you found very difficult is no longer quite so difficult for us at all.)
​
Remember that Jesus calls, even instructs us to love our enemies (See Matt:43-48; Lk 6:26-7) and the call was taken up by his first followers (See Rom 12:21; 1 Peter: 3:9, etc) and has been central to the Christian calling ever since. Saints and holy ones down the age have even insisted that love of enemies is, as it were, a hallmark of the true Christian. And they have also insisted that the Holy Spirit will himself enable such love. For example, this very things has been said in recent time by Christians from such diverse traditions as the widely respected Orthodox monk, St Silouan of Athos, 1866–1937) and the much praised Dutch Reformed Christian Corrie ten Boom (1892–1983). The section of the Prayer of Loving-Kindness, where we extend good-will to 'someone we find somewhat challenging' is a step towards such love. We edge towards it. so, therefore, we don't what to choose someone too demanding. If we bite off more than we can chew, that can even re-traumatise us.
Our Own Self — this step is very important. Though we can find it hard to believe, God has endless good-will towards us, and in saying, 'May I know ease and peace and fulness of life ...', we are simply siding here with God. So, it's okay, indeed a good idea, to hold our own self in (so to speak) our heart-space and side with God in this way. (If we find ourselves saying, not 'May you know his blessings' but 'May I know your blessings', that's perfectly fine, of course.)
Note that some teachers suggest having 'good-will towards the self' as first step in the practice. And that can be good, but many people find it difficult to accept that God can possibly have goodwill towards them, so it can help if we 'warm up', as it were with the other people first. But whether we have ourself as first or fourth step it is important to include it somewhere. And, either first or last, each is equally good.
​
As for the other three steps, perhaps don't use the same person or people every time you do the practice. You can, but maybe right the changes now and again.
​
Two possible extras. We may choose to extend the practice (though we don't have to). If we have time and the inclination to do so, we might extend to others or other groups: those who live in this neighbourhood, this county, this country, this world, or to particular groups, perhaps the sick, refugees, the homeless, those with nowhere to call home and so on. Always, openness of heart, goodwill and some kind of focus are key.
​
Please note that we can use other words than those suggested above. By all means, try those words, but also possibly use words and ideas that have especial resonance for you. Possibilities might include:
​
May you know health ... safety ... comfort ... well-being ... freedom from fear ... joy ...
​
. . .
​
In all of this, see that everything begins and ends with God: his love, his kindness, and his generosity. ​Beginning in love, everything is for the sake of love. And that very love which naturally belongs to God, he (purely out of love) wants us to know too. He wants us to live within that love and to share it with others.
​
Since God wants us to be like him in all things, he wants us to share his generosity and his goodwill towards others—indeed, towards everyone.
​
And as a natural part of our sharing in God's good-will towards others, he invites us to share in his work of healing the damaged and suffering world. His natural response to a damaged, disorderly and suffering world is to work for its healing. To be like him, we must do the same. But of course, through the gift of his Holy Spirit, he also enables us to share that work. It is the Holy Spirit who strengthens us for this work and who supports and sustains us through it.
​
​
One thing that can take us by surprise in all this is that being kind and compassionate towards everyone includes being kind and compassionate towards ourselves, especially towards our own wounded and wayward selves.
​
Many of us have spent far too long trying to batter, beat, coerce or cajole ourselves into change. But real, lasting change and growth never come through violence or cruelty, even if it's masquerading as something else.
​
But just to note here: being kind doesn't mean colluding with our waywardness and our misguided, mistaken urges and inclinations. It doesn't mean being indulgent. The kind parent isn't the one who gives her child everything they want or ask for.
​
The secret is in a light touch and in gentleness.
One of the consequences of what's often called the Fall (though that's not a term used in the Scriptures) is that we don't really know what's good for us and don't really know how we 'ought to be.' In fact, we are all, more or less, mistaken about how we ought to be or how it would be 'good' to be. The Fall means (if for convenience we call it that) means that there's a certain disorder in the world, and that disorder extends to us, so that we don't see things clearly, and that extends in all directions. For example, we have to learn what even such key ideas as love really are and such what key words as 'hope' or 'faith' or 'trust'. Of course, God is at work to teach us, to enlighten us and lead us forwards. And it is not for us to decide or declare that we have clear insight or attained deep wisdom ... And one undoubted fact about those who are 'enlightened' and do share God's wisdom is that they are very humble, sit light to themselves. They never aggressively push their view on others. They never demand or insist that anyone follow their teaching or advice.
I remember a very wise Christian teacher—it may have been Russian Orthodox Archbishop Antony Bloom—once suggesting that if we could become the person we would like to be or the person we think we ought to be then we'd turn ourselves into something of a monster. We be unbearable for others and might even find we've become unbearable to ourselves too. Think of how many 'successful' folk, whether film stars, sports stars, or celebrity of some other kind winds up deeply unhappy, more or less ruined by what seemed to be their success.
​
Cardinal Heenan (1905-75), Archbishop of Westminster in the mid-20th Century, was once 'put on the spot' in a TV interview. He was asked (perhaps it was an attempt to catch him out) 'As a Christian and a Catholic, what has been the hardest thing for you to believe?' The interviewer may have expected an answer about some piece of doctrine, perhaps the Virgin Birth, the Immaculate Conception, or the infallibility of the Pope. What Cardinal Heenan actually replied was 'That God loves me.' Perhaps we all find that hard to believe.
​A short, summary guide to the practice
​
Take a few deeper, longer, slower breaths.
Ease and relax. Do a quick 'check-in' on how you're feeling.
​
Then, spend a short time, maybe minute or two, on each of the following steps.
Hold before God and in your heart (or heart-space):
​
1. Someone you easily warm to,
​
2. Someone you are 'neutral' about
(i.e., someone who doesn't matter to you very much),
​
3. Someone you find 'somewhat challenging',
​
4. Your own self — important this!
​
And towards each of these side with God in extending goodwill, saying gently — and probably silently or in hushed breath:
​
'May you know ease, and peace, and fullness of life —
God's love, God’s blessings.'
​
And finish with a blessing or something along the lines:
​
Heavenly Father, may we and all those we've held before you
know more of the ease and peace
and fulness of life, you promise,
you offer, and you are ever at work to enable.
Amen.
​
St John of the Cross.
Spanish friar, mystic and poet.
1542-1591
Let's face it: at the end of our life we won't be asked, 'How good were you at following your breath and all your other mindfulness practices?' We'll be asked about our love.
'We know and rely on the love God has for us.
​
'God is love.
​
'Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.'
See 1 John 4:16 NIV UK
In a secular context, instead of the words 'God's blessings' we might use the words 'All blessings.'
Lay aside the excuses and ...
In due course, you will be grateful, and others will be too.
Why do we limit ourselves to offering goodwill only to those we find we find 'somewhat difficult'? The idea is to begin with safe, manageable first steps. If we choose someone who is for us very challenging, a monster in our lives, holding them in awareness can be traumatising, overwhelming.
​
Interestingly, what can happen over over time is not, as we might imagine, that we can take on bigger challenges (though something of that sort can happen too) but that we find that someone who was for us a 'bit of a monster' isn't quite such a monster after all. Whereas on the trauma scale they may have been an 8 or 9 out of 10, now they've 'slipped down' to being a 5 or 6.
​
C.S. Lewis says that while the worldly person is inclined only to extend good-will only to those people they find likeable or attractive, the Christian will extend good will even to those who are unattractive or challenging — and soon finds that more people are likeable than they had ever imagined possible.
Busy, wandering mind?
Almost certainly, during the practice the mind will wander.
That's not a problem.
​
When you notice that your mind has drifted off, simply invite it back to your chosen focus, i.e., the person you'd been holding before God and to whom you have been extending (or intending) good-will.
From Henri Nouwen (1932–96), much respected Dutch Catholic priest and author, especially known for his work among the poor and disenfranchised:
'Whenever, contrary to the world’s vindictiveness, we love our enemy, we exhibit something of the perfect love of God, whose will is to bring all human beings together as children of one Father.
'Whenever we forgive instead of getting angry at one another, bless instead of cursing one another, tend one another’s wounds instead of rubbing salt into them, hearten instead of discouraging one another, give hope instead of driving one another to despair, hug instead of harassing one another, welcome instead of cold shouldering one another, thank instead of criticising one another, praise instead of maligning one another ….
'In short, whenever we opt for and not against one another, we make God’s unconditional love visible; we are diminishing violence and giving birth to a new community.'
'Letters to Marc about Jesus.'
Henri J. M. Nouwen
