Click the titles below to jump to the weekly sessions
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Many of us speak and behave much more harshly towards ourselves than we ever would towards anyone else.
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Is it sometimes worth asking, 'Would I speak to my friend like that?'
Eight-Week Course
Week 5
Self-Compassion
Early in 2021 Kristin Neff, a pioneer in research on self-compassion, reported that
in a study looking at levels of self-compassion in 17 nations,
the UK came out 'just about bottom'.
The USA didn't come out well, but even so, did much better than the UK.
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​Other research show that compassion toward the self and
compassion towards others are closely linked.
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​Perhaps the most exciting finding in all this research is that we can grow
in self-compassion and that means we can also grow
in kindness and compassion towards others.
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Self-compassion is not about self-indulgence or 'letting ourselves off.' In some ways it's not about the self at all. If we think about it, self-judgement and self-criticism are, in some sense, self-indulgent. They put ourselves at the very centre of our awareness. Self-compassion, being kind towards the self, is a stepping back from a focus on the self. (But don't, please, criticise yourself for being self-critical. That doesn't help!)
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The basic idea in self-compassion is that we look to treat ourselves as we would treat or speak to our best friend or even how we would treat a child. Often our internal dialogue, both the things we tell ourselves and the tone of voice we use in speaking to ourselves will be very harsh.
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And self-compassion tends to open us up to others. One of the 'pillars' of self-compassion (as in the second section in green box just above, is an awareness, a realisation, of our shared humanity. 'Oh, around the world, at this very moment, there are lots of people who are feeling exactly the same as I do.' Notice that this is very different from when someone tells us, 'remember that there are lots of people worse off than you.' That can even feel like a bit of a put-down. The recognition that 'lots of people feel like this' is a reaching out in fellowship, an acknowledgement of something shared.
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So, like everything we've looked at in this course, self-compassion practice includes awareness practice. We look to be aware of how we treat ourselves, and in particular, how we speak to ourselves. And then we look to let go of any unnecessary, unhelpful hardness of heart.
Beyond all this, remember, God is good, and on our side, and want the best for us:
Jesus says, 'I came that you may have life, and have it in all its fulness' (See John 10:10)
Five short talks. Look on YouTube for other
related talks and presentations.
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr Jared Warren (4 minutes)
Self-Compassion and Self-Esteem
Kristin Neff: TEDx Talk 19 mins
Misconceptions
Dr Jared Warren (6 minutes)
Click the image above to access Professor Shauna Shapiro's excellent 13-minute video on mindfulness practice, with an emphasis on self-compassion.
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She is author of the excellent book 'Rewire Your Mind.' It is available from Amazon in various formats. See this link: https://amzn.to/3iimYB5
Books from authors featured this week. See the resources page for details.
Click the image above to access a free three-part video series by Kristin Neff and Chris Germer.
The videos are offered completely free of charge, but you'll need to sign in to access them (no bank card, etc is required)
Kristin's Amazon page: https://amzn.to/3623iz2
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Self-compassion and Chronic Pain
There is an interesting talk on self-compassion and chronic pain at this link. It's about a third of the way down the page and lasts about about 25 minutes. It gets a bit technical, but is worthwhile. Later in the talk we hear about the evidence that mindfulness-type practices can be helpful with a whole range of health issues., from diabetes to simple aging. The same organisation has another talk by Kristin Neff.
The host is The Integrative Pain Science Institute. Sadly, for some reason, parts of its website are inactive.
STOP — a framework for practice
The simple acronym STOP can provide a framework for practice. We can use it as a framework for a short, simple practice, even one as short as a minute or so. But we can also use it as a framework for a much longer practice. If we use it for a longer practice, the third step section ('O — Open awareness') is one we can extend for extend.
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As our framework we simply use the four letters of the word 'stop.'
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S Stop … allow yourself to stop physically, whether standing, sitting or whatever.
Then allow the body to settle, soften, to this end, maybe stretch a little (in the back, the shoulders, the neck — but try not either to slump or to stiffen). Maybe invite a smile on to the lips; or even, if this makes sense, invite a smile into the face and body as a whole.
T Take a few deeper and more deliberate breaths, two, three — even half a dozen ... Then, let the breathing return to its own natural pace, depth and rhythm, and ...
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O Open awareness to
sensation of the breath​ in nose, throat, chest and back and tummy area, etc ...
sensations in the body more generally ... Whatever comes to awareness ...
the 'tone' of our emotions emotions
the 'tone' of our thinking (is it calm, chaotic, or whatever?)
the world around, e.g., sounds, any the movement of air around the body ...
P Proceed — move on into whatever comes next … taking with us, as best we can, something of any stillness or settledness we may have moved towards during the practice
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A few guidelines and practical suggestions ...
Please keep in mind that at each step we're invited simply to notice how we are. We're not looking to achieve any particular state.
Having said that remember the two key dispositions that can characterise all our practice:
1) Where there is anything pleasurable or comfortable, offer simple appreciation or gratitude.
2)Where there is anything 'tricky' or more difficult for us, offer kindness and compassion ...
3) Trust that there is always something worthwhile going on, even when, to us, it doesn't seem like that.
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Remember: Trust, gratitude and kindness — these three correspond to faith and hope and love, the key dispositions (or virtues) which lie a the heart of all Christian life and, indeed, or all human maturity.
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And maybe, as we draw the practice to a close, be on the lookout for any tendency to 'jump back' into where we were before we began the practice or of an inclination simply to 'carry on' with whatever we'd been planning before we began the practice. Allow the practice the space, the opportunity to do its work. Be open to change and to being changed.
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STOP!
And get your breath back.
Or even —
Stop and get back to your breath.
Home Practice: Week Five
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Formal Practice
I'd like to suggest this week, on six days out of seven, using one or other of the guided self-compassion sessions from Kristin Neff. They come from her website and are generously offered free of charge. Most are around 20 minutes, which if you can manage it, is a good time to spend in practice. If for any reason you don't take to these mediations, use something from the previous weeks. Those are available on the resources page.
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Kristin Neff: Self-Compassion Guided Meditations
Any problem with these? Please check the box to the right 🠞
• Self-Compassion for Caregivers [Video - 9 minutes]
• Compassionate Friend [18 minutes]
• Giving and Receiving Compassion [20 minutes]
• Affectionate Breathing [21 minutes]
• Compassionate Body Scan [24 minutes]
• Loving-Kindness Meditation [20 minutes]
• Self-Compassion/Loving-Kindness Meditation [20 minutes]
• Noting Your Emotions [18 minutes]
• Soften, soothe, allow: Working with emotions in the body.
Especially useful at times when we are feeling a strong, difficult emotion. [15 minutes]
• Self-Compassion Break [5 minutes]
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Perhaps use the STOP Practice ... See the guidance above for he four steps (click here).
Maybe sometimes use the STOP practice as a framework for formal practice (say, a session lasting maybe lasting 10 or 12 minutes).
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Maybe use the STOP practice for a short informal session through the day, a 'breathing space' maybe lasting just two or three or four minutes.
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How about using the Jewish blessings for Various Occasions?
Or maybe your own improvised versions? Using simple prayers of blessings like these can help to nurture in us an attitude or disposition of gratitude and appreciation. And when the world is relentlessly pushing at us an attitude of 'Look, out! You thought there were lots of things to be worried about? Well, here are ten more you perhaps hadn't thought of! We don't want to bury our heads in the sand. (See the comic verse in the column to the right.)
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For examples of the Jewish Blessings click here.
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Informal Practice
Perhaps liNking up with the Jewish Blessings (see above), how about starting a Gratitude Journal? The idea is to look back at the end of each day and call to mind from that day three things (even five things) and you were grateful for. It’s good then to do two things. First to dwell and ponder for minute or two on whatever came to mind. This will help 'embed' the gratitude in us and to nurture within us a disposition of appreciation and gratitude. Secondly, it helps if we can write down something about whatever it was that we were grateful for. Maybe jot something in a practice journal. Writing things down can make a big difference, more so than we might expect. It somehow 'firms up' the memory of the positive experience. Some people like to keep a special diary or notebook for this. Then we can look back through it every so often. We might find that remembering and recalling good things lifts our spirits.
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More generally, there is good evidence that it helps to dwell on positive things: a nice view and beautiful flowers in the garden, the touch of warm sunshine on the skin, a cheerful conversation with a friend or a friendly smile from a stranger .... Dwelling on positive things can help to nurture within us a sense of appreciation. Let's face it, we're all very good at dwelling on the negative!. None of us needs to practise that!
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Remember, if you can, to use the three-breath practice from time to time. It's a good habit to develop. (Take three deeper, slower, more deliberate breaths, letting your focus be on the sensations of the breath in the body.) Use this practice before starting a new task or when wondering 'what to do next' and if you do the exercise, be on the lookout for the tendency just to 'get them done'; try to be with them with focus, and it might be that, even after just three breaths, thing have changed.
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As always, insofar as you are able, let go of judgement and evaluation.
And remember not to judge or evaluate your tendency to judge and evaluate!
Practise letting go of whatever is unkind or unhelpful.
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The links to Kristin's guided practices were working when uploaded checked them early in 2025. But then, in April 2025 some of the links became unreliable and seemed only to work impermanently.
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However, for a similar selection of practices (and some extras) click here.
'What you practise grows stronger'
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Two talks on this theme from Dr Sauna Shapiro.
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Click here for a two-minute talk.
Click here for a 14-minute TED talk.
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Dr Shauna Shapiro teaches at Santa Clara University. She has a special concern for compassion and self-compassion and is the recipient of the American Council of Learned Societies teaching award. Click here for her website.
Here's a comic rhyme that seems to capture the essence of 'the negativity bias' or 'negativity trap', i.e., the tendency of the world to push fears and negative attitudes our way — and our tendency to be sucked in. Notoriously seductive and widely known for its bias towards the negative, is the News, whether we look for that in the traditional media (TV, radio, the papers, etc.) or through social media. And how easily we can get suckied in!
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I'm drawn to the News
like a pig to the trough;
while my heart keeps saying,
'Turn it off! Turn it off!
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We don't want to bury our heads in the sand, but don't want to bury them in the trough either!
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The Jewish 'Blessings for Various Occasions' (see left-hand column) can help counter the negativity bias.
In his letters St Paul speaks more than 40 times about giving thanks.
As an alternative to a journal, perhaps jot down a few words about a special event or 'magic moment' and pop the note into something like a large sweet jar.
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Every so often, fish through, the notes, pick out one or two, and read them through. This can reawaken happy memories.
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This can be an ideal activity to share with a young grandchild. Reading through shared memories can be very special.
