Eight-Week Course
Week 7
Turning towards Difficulties
The following thoughts, which have been mentioned every week,
will be especially helpful this week when the suggestion is that we
edge towards 'difficulties', i.e, things that we might think are
working for anything but our good.
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But try to keep in mind:
Everything in you and everything about you is working for your good
— or it is trying to.
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So, everything in you and everything about you is working:
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to keep you safe,
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to help you 'get on',
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to help you feel at ease and comfortable
— or it is trying to.
Turning Towards Difficulty
'Turning towards difficulty' might sound very negative but
in reality is something very positive
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None of us is a stranger to difficulties. Difficulties great and small come at us throughout our lives. No one is immune. Time and again, things 'go wrong', or don't work out as we'd hoped or expected, and certainly not as we'd planned. Sometimes our problems seem overwhelming. And our problems don't always come from outside us, from our circumstances and things that happen in our lives. We carry around tucked away inside us many of our most difficult problems, the ones we struggle with most. They seem part of who we are.
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Sometimes the difficulties well up from within: anger, anxiety, impatience, selfishness. Maybe we have a tendency to gloom and despondency. Sometimes the very things we turn to to help us come with life's troubles turn into an even greater trouble yet: we try to cheer ourselves up by going shopping, then the credit card bill comes in. Perhaps our comfort-eating leads to depressing weight gain, or we get all too fond of our gin-and-tonic. It's not hard to imagine other 'slippery slopes.'
These difficulties their impact and take their toll. What do we do about these difficulties? Our instinct is to flee them, fight them off, or hide from them. That hiding or fleeing will sometimes be nothing more than trying to mute the pain and distress, perhaps with drink or drugs or some distraction. These strategies are all very understandable, very human, very common. But they will never be more than partially successful, and can will never provide more than a temporary release.
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Is there a better way?
Learning how to turn towards our difficulties can be a very helpful practice. it is taught in all the main mindfulness causes, and turning towards difficulties lies at the heart of many Christian spiritual and prayer traditions. Indeed, it is something we find in all the major religious traditions. (No real surprise there: it's the only thing that brings wholesome, lasting results.)
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Of course, this 'turning towards suffering' has nothing to do with delighting in pain or in problems. It's much more to do with learning how to use creatively the sufferings that are an inevitable part our experience and of everyone else's existence too.
It is exactly what Jesus was doing at the crucifixion. He wasn't looking to suffer or to die. But he knew at he could not turn from what lay before him — he recognized it as something laid upon hm by 'powers of this world' (i.e., both the Roman political authorities and the Jewish religious authorities of the day), and yet he saw it as being something 'laid upon him' by the Father. Not that it as a 'good thing' or a 'desirable thing': it was the inevitable outcome of pure goodness meeting the dark disorder of a self-concerned, self-protective and self-promoting world. (Which was also, of course, a very fearful world.) So, the goodness of God and the goodness of Jesus confront (turn toward) their 'difficulties', i.e., the sin-stricken, struggling world. And it was the goodness of the Holy Spirit who strengthened Jesus to endure and to stand united to the Father's good-will towards the disordered world. It strengthened him not to be deflected, not to turn away.
The same Holy Spirit will support us in our own trials. He will not always deliver us from those trials, so that we, as it were, escape them; but he will always enable us to use 'creatively' — which will mean both for our good and for the good of others. We will find ourselves on the 'inside' of God's work, sharing in God's own work of bringing healing and blessings into the world. (He wants us to be like him in all things, and that includes being on the inside of his ministry of healing and renewal and of the 'brining in' of new life and new hope.
This is the way of turning towards is a way towards deep healing and deep growth. As we learn how to not to be pushed around by our sufferings — perpetuating the disorder in the world — so we are moving towards becoming (and it is all by God's grace) that blessing for others that each one of us is called to be. We become part of the world's healing.
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Jesus wants us to be like him in all things, and that's why he invites us
(and enables us) to share in his healing work.
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What seemed to us (indeed was for us) a difficulty and a challenge turns out
always to have had a blessing tucked away within it.
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So, the key idea here is that our lives involve ups and downs, sadness, disappointments, and suffering. Faced with such problems and difficulties, our instinct is either to escape them. That's fine, but it won't always work and it certainly won't work for long. Somethings we can't escape — things like bereavement. And none of us can escape aging and the many challenges that come with that. Others challenges we try to bury; but these buried problems still haunt us, and sooner or later, they resurface. Escaping our problems won't resolve them. To take a simple example, if we are frightened of dogs, we can try to avoid having anything to do with them. To that end, we may even avoid country walks for fear of encountering farm dogs, or worse still, a pack of fox hounds. But our fear will still be there.
But through working with simple, relatively unchallenging things we will acquire those skills which will equip us to 'turn towards them' when more challenging things arise. If we practise 'turning-towards' with relatively simple, manageable things, that will equip us to cope with more challenging things when they arise. And not only will we be able to cope, but we'll be able to use these challenges creatively, fruitfully, and as a way to deep personal growth.
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Importantly, our ability or capacity to 'turn towards difficulties' in a creative, healing way depends on us acquiring a heart of compassion — which is exactly the kind of heart we see in Jesus himself.
All the challenges of life are invitations to acquire such a heart, which we will find comes to us not as something we achieve by an effort of our own but which we receive as a gift of the divine love. The call is to put ourselves in that place where we can receive that gift — and that 'place' is not a physical place but rather a disposition of humility.
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In the next section we'll look at what are called Sustainers and Drainers. These link with what we looked at in Week 6 —i.e., the Red, Blue and Green Zones, or the three 'emotional regulation states'.
This will help us understand something of our journey towards acquiring a heart of compassion. It will help to explain how the turning toward difficult practices can help us take up God's invitation to move forward in the work entrusted to us (and to all humanity), a work which is none other than to share (in some small way) in Christ's work of bringing in the Kingdom.
Click the titles and links below to jump to the other pages from this course.
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Eight-Week course: Introduction
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Week 1: Making a Start
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Week 6: Drives & Emotional Systems
We’d all like our problems to go away …
What about the idea that these problems
can be present, but need not control us?
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True freedom lies, not so much,
in being free from the things that
trouble us
as in being free within these things.
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Can we even find within our challenges
a certain blessing, a way of growth?
Turning Towards Difficulty
Jesus shows the way
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In the time of Jesus, many among the Jewish nation were living in fervent hope for the coming of a new King, God's long-promised Messiah or Christ. (The word Christ is a title meaning God's Messiah or Anointed One.) As Jesus' ministry progressed the belief began to grow that he indeed might be the long-promised, long-awaited Messiah.
But although the Jewish people were looking for a new King, they had certain expectations about what this king would do and how he would establish the new Kingdom. In particular, they were looking for someone who would deliver them from the brutal oppression that they were suffering under the Roman occupation. Indeed, they were expecting a military leader, rather like King David, who would drive out the Romans and 'Make Israel Great Again'.
As his ministry progressed, Jesus began to acknowledge that he was God's promised Messiah. But he also began to explain that he would not be the kind of King or Military Leader what they were expecting. Even his closest and most committed followers, were very slow to understand this.
In terms of the four responses to difficulties listed in the illustration opposite confronted with the demands of the Roman and Jewish authorities, Jesus opted neither for flight, or flight; and in the face of these challenges, he didn't either freeze or 'fawn' (i.e., go inert or passively fit in with the authorities' demands).
No, he turned towards the difficulties facing him and towards the worst of the suffering that the authorities were threatening to inflict. He turned towards the evil, towards the difficulties, and the Holy Spirit strengthened him to endure.
The openness of Jesus in giving of himself even as the sufferings weighed in upon him, was also an openness that allowed him to receive the new life of the resurrection, and so inaugurate the new kingdom.
And our challenges too, our difficulties can be a way into that new life if we learn to embrace these challenges with open and generous hearts. But that is something that we have to learn. It takes time to acquire that 'heart of compassion' which allows us to embrace difficulties in a loving and creative way though the Holy Spirit himself will himself both lead us and guide us and nurture within us that heart of compassion.
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And, of course, we are not called to anything like recklessness. The learning that enables us to 'turn towards difficulties,' is not the same as the training a soldier might undergo to 'toughen up' so as to be able to face danger or even to run headlong into life-threatening situations.
On the contrary, the learning we are looking at in this course is better seen as a kind of softening up. Certainly, it is not a step towards weakness, but we are looking to acquire the compassion, the 'softness of heart' that can creatively absorb suffering and allow new life to emerge and grow.
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Sometimes it's said that we're looking to acquire 'a strong back and a soft front' or 'a firm spine and a warm heart.'
For 5-minute video on the Messiah and the conquest of evil, click the image above or this link. Note the video, though valuable, doesn't discuss turning toward difficulties as such.
Sustainers and Drainers
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It can be very helpful if we find out for ourselves which activities (on the one hand) sustain and support us emotionally, and which activities (on the other) tend to drain and exhaust us. A short video from Lewis Psychology explores this and gives useful guidance. (Access the video through the column on the right.)
It can be very helpful to give time to exploring our own patterns and habits.
One way to do this is to take some paper and mark up two columns. Then put together two lists, the first of the things that drain you and tend to leave you feeling exhausted, and the second of the things that build and sustain you.
The simple table below is an example — but, of course, work things out for yourself. Produce your own list.
You might be surprised to find how often and how easily you are drawn into things that drain you and leave you feeling exhausted or dispirited. But don't fret over this: simply notice it and be open to the possibility of change. 'Oh, I see I'm doing that again. Perhaps I don't need to.' If or when you do get stuck with something draining, notice how that affects your mood, your emotional state, and the 'tone' of your thinking. 'Oh. I've just spent yet another ten minutes absorbed in news about violent crime...' (Or the horrors of war, or mean-spirited celebrity gossip, or whatever ... ) Ask yourself, 'How has that affected my mood, my emotional tone? How has it affected me physically? Have my shoulders or my throat tensed? Even ask, 'Although I got some kind of pleasure out of it at the time, do I feel any joy now? or any contentment?'
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And the things in your 'sustainers' list how do they leave you feeling? And how do they affect you physically? One thing you might notice is that your sustainers list will have many things related to what we have called the 'Green Zone.' (See box and video to the left.) As we explore some 'turning towards' practices, you'll see how important the Green Zone can be. You'll discover that through dwelling in the Green Zone (both sharing in actual Green Zone activities and dwelling with the memory of such activities) we prepare ourselves (even equip ourselves) to meet effectively and creatively life's difficulties and challenges.
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Maybe also check to see how many of the drainers in your list are from the Red and Blue Zones. Notice that the red and blue commonly zones interact. for example, the drive to achieve can 'tip over' into anger and aggression when someone discovers that aggression, bullying is an effective way to achieve goals. We see this everywhere from personal and family relationships to business and politics. It is part of the way of the world, at least of the fallen, disordered world.
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Importantly, find time for the Green Zone, which is all 'Very Sabbath.'
(As we saw last week. Click here.)
Drainers
and
Sustainers
Click the image below (or click here) for a 2-minute video n drainers and sustainers. It is from Teresa Lewis who with her husband is joint founder of Lewis Psychologies. The video shared here is part of a slightly longer video on the Exhaustion Funnel. Access that here.
Click here for the 9-minute video on the three emotional regulation states and self-compassion. The video is from Lewis Psychology and is linked to their concern with self-compassion.
Notice that the red and blue zones commonly interact. For example, the drive to achieve can 'tip over' into anger and aggression when someone discovers that bullying is an effective way to achieve their goals.
We see this everywhere, in personal and family relationships, and in the business world and politics.
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These things are part of the way of the world, at least of the fallen, disordered world.
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Notice too how something from the Green Zone can easily flip over into a Blue Zone activity, something where we're trying to 'do better.' Even a quiet walk outside for a 'breath of fresh air' can flip over into trying to walk further or faster or into 'getting more out of it'.
Make time for the Green Zone
This section is still 'in progress' - apologies
Be on the LOOKOUT: the quicksand of our disorderly nature.
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It has wisely been said that we are all of us addicted to unhelpful patterns of behaviour. But it is also wisely said that we don't have to remain for ever stuck in these damaging patterns.
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How can we learn to recognize when we're being drawn into something that might seem attractive (i.e, that promises to bring pleasure or to ease pain) but which is likely to turn out to be stressful or draining — and almost certainly isn’t leading to spiritual growth?
But how do we learn to recognize our unhelpful patters? How can we learn to see when we're being drawn into something that might look attractive or appealing but which in the longer term is likely to be stressful or draining?
When we're being drawn into unhelpful actions and unhelpful patters, we'll very often find within us a certain pressure or instance. Something in us will be suggesting: 'I must have this ...' of 'I must have it my way!' It might even be insisting, 'And I must have it now.' The same thing is going on when we find ourselves demanding, 'Not only I must have more — I must have it now.' Notice too, perhaps, that when we're caught up thoughts or feelings of this kind there will probably be little concern about longer-term consequences. 'There's every chance that the ultimate outcome won't be good, but never mind, it will perhaps work out okay. I'll cope.' We might find another suggestion arising too: 'I'll do better next time.' (If you need an example, think of someone addicted to alcohol who is seduced by the short-term relief that a drink will bring, and disregard of longer-term consequences.)
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Contrast these two things:
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Looking back I can clearly remember instances earlier in my life when, rather against the odds (and perhaps after a bit of scheming and manipulation on my part) things have worked out as I wanted. I took a certain delight or pleasure in this, even though, even at the time, something in me was suggesting that there was something amiss, that, in some sense, what I’d achieved wasn't right. Both at the time, and today when looking back, I’m aware of a certain buzz or thrill that I felt, all very fleeting, all very rapid, lasting only the briefest moment but linked with the thought: 'Ah yes! I’ve got what I wanted!' I felt this in my body and also felt it as a momentary charge of emotion. This momentary trill was somehow linked not only to the thought 'I've not only got what I wanted' but also to a sense that I'd got one over on God. (That's totally bizarre, I know. And I can also say that in the very moment I was 'winning' I also knew that in the longer term things wouldn’t work out well. They didn't!)
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Contrast that feeling of thrill, that sudden 'buzz', with the 'wholesome' feelings that flow when things are working out as they 'ought to' (i.e., as God would have them be). Then the feeling is of a deep, steady warmth, of ease and comfort. This is joy.
(These sensations and feelings might link more generally with the difference between 'getting what I like' and 'liking what I get' (or 'getting what I want' and 'wanting what I get.')
The deep warmth of joy and the fleeting buzz of 'I've got what I want' are poles apart.
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Here it might be helpful to explore further the three 'systems of emotional response' that we have heard of from Professor Paul Gilbert, which he terms, the Drive, Threat, and Soothing systems, and which are also described in terms of Red, Blue and Green zones. (Explored in the video linked above.)
In particular, it will be useful to explore our 'flight, fight or freeze' response to danger and threat and the possibility of trauma (i.e., things in the realm of the Red Zone).
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Life's difficulties and challenges can arise from events and outward circumstances. (And we must never forget how stressful are the circumstances and living-conditions of some people's lives, nor underestimate how dreadful can be the events at any one moment confronting many people.) Difficulties and challenges can arise from within us, often a legacy of the past, but none the less real for that.
These challenges and difficulties always threaten us — or we feel they do. They threaten to rob us of comfort and pleasure in the present, or they threaten to inflict pain and suffering in the future (even if that future is sometimes only moments or seconds away). How do we respond? The psychologists have said: Fight or flight or freeze. These are the three classic responses. Hit out, run away, or 'play dead' and hope that whoever or whatever is threatening us (wild animal or angry man) forgets we're there and leave us alone. More recently, another response has been suggested: fawn. We can try to 'fit in' with the threat or somehow accommodate it. We work round it or with it. We pretend it's not really a problem. (I like the idea of 'fitting in' with difficulties or of 'working around them.')
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It might be worth spending a moment or two (maybe a bit longer than that) looking to see which of these options (fight, flight, freeze, of 'fit in') you have adopted when challenges and difficulties of different kinds have arisen. You might explore both how you've worked with difficulties that have arisen within difficulties that have arisen from outside circumstances. Of course, it would take a very long time to go back through the whole of our life examining it in this way. so don't overdo things. Importantly, notice that this is an awareness practice. The invitation is simple to notice how you have responded or reacted. Try to ease back from self-criticism or judgment. So try not to expend too much energy getting entangled in thoughts about how you might have done better.
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The hope is that this will equip you to notice more quickly (and with less unhelpful entanglement) how you respond to challenges as they arise. Again, remember that by our own efforts we cannot force useful, lasting change. We can only open ourselves to receive it. ... Which takes us to our practices ...
Mary and the Annunciation
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We so easily get caught up in things along the lines, 'I must have more, and I must have it now.'
Contrast that with Mary at the Annunciation ... Out of the blue, Mary, a young woman at the time and barely out of girlhood, is approached by angel- and not just any old angel ... It's the archangel Gabriel himself!. ...
And yet Mary offers the best possible response. In due course, she will say, yes. But before that there's great humility. She isn't naively compliant. But she doesn't argue, 'That's ridiculous! It's both impossible and unreasonable. I'm not having that.' And there's not trace of the kind of John-McEnroe-moment most of us might feel when challenged: 'You cannot be serious!' Rather, Mary asks the simple, humble question. 'How can this be?' Here, in that humility, there's a willingness to listen and to learn.
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Annunciation from 13th century Targmanchats Gospel.
Metropolitan Museum of Art, CC0, via Wikimedia Commons.
Is there a model for us in Mary's response? And might this response be invaluable in our times of change and challenge? 'How can this be?' Is this a response we might try in our moments of uncertainty? We might try it when we sense a 'call' or challenge that seems unreasonable or quite beyond us. Might we try it when something in the news or in world events seems to us 'impossible' — perhaps impossibly cruel? Confronted by such things, can we say, not 'That's impossible', but 'How can this be?' And can we then, with the humility of an open heart and open mind, be willing to wait for an answer, recognizing that an answer might be a long time in coming and that we might have to be very patient?
Remember: Healing comes through kindness (and self-compassion will very often play an important part). Deep, worth-while, lasting healing does not come through self-criticism, self-judgement or trying to force ourselves to be different.
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The complement is this: Growth comes through gratitude.
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The foundation for effective 'turning towards difficulties' is a combination of kindness and gratitude.
By practising both loving-kindness and appreciation-gratitude, we open the way for the growth within us of that 'heart of compassion' which is able to absorb the pain and suffering present in the difficulties we will face, and do so in ways that mean they neither damage us nor turn us from our purpose.
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So, through our loving-kindness practice and our appreciation-gratitude practice we open the way for what might turn out to be the most profound and dramatic personal transformation possible.
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We move both towards love of our enemies and also, towards sharing in the healing and the re-creation of our sin-stricken suffering world. What greater calling could there be? (And, although to us, initially it might not seem like it, what greater invitation or calling could there be?)
The Body and 'the Flesh'
It's generally agreed that when St Paul and the New Testament authors spoke about 'the flesh' they weren't talking primarily about our physical make-up. (After all, the divine Word himself became flesh.) Rather they were talking about our disorderly hearts and minds and our wayward desires.
So too, when authors from the early church tradition (and especially the first monks and nuns and hermits) spoke about 'the passions' they were talking about hearts and minds rather than anything to do with the body per se.
The so-called 'urges of the flesh, i.e., of the body' are one thing — and at times they can certainly run us around ...
But it is the 'urges of the mind' that really cause trouble: pride and self-obsession, the need to 'get on' (or at least to be safe), coupled with the need to push aside anyone or anything that gets in our way — or maybe to hide from anything we find too difficult. These urges of the disordered heart and mind mind are the passions, and it is these that cause the real problems.
(I hope soon to explore this theme a bit further on the Core Beliefs page of this website.
See SpongeBob SquarePants caught up in urgent, pressing desires, what many traditions calls 'the cravings' and Christian prayer-tradition, 'the passions.'
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To be honest, although I'd heard the name SpongeBob, I had no idea who really was.
I had to look him up.
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Apparently, Bob's 'creator' is a marine biologist. So perhaps it's no surprise that SpongeBob is so at home in the 'Blue Zone'.
The angel Gabriel came to Mary and said, 'Greetings, favoured one! The Lord is with you.' And Mary was greatly perplexed by his words … The angel said to her, 'Do not be afraid, Mary, for you have found favour with God. And now, you will conceive in your womb and bear a son, and you will name him Jesus.
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Mary said to the angel, 'How can this be ...?'
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(See Luke 1:26-36, NRSV.)
Home Practice: Week 7:
Turning Towards Difficulty
Sustainers and Drainers
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See the guidance and the video on sustainers and drainers a few paragraphs above. Give some time to making up lists of things that sustain or drain you and your emotional resources. And try to make a point of giving time to your sustainers. (You might be surprised by how seductive some the drainers are and how often you get caught in them. Please don't despair: simply notice how easily you are seduced and open up to the possibility of letting go of your 'need' or 'desire' to get drawn in.)
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Guided practices and some reading
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Dave Potter of Paulouse Mindfulness has a section he calls 'Turning Towards.' He offers two extended practices. He introduces them with the explanation: 'The complex interaction between physical, emotional, and mental realms makes it inaccurate to say a discomfort is "just mental/emotional" or "just physical". Significant physical pain is emotionally difficult and significant emotional pain has physical consequences and correlates.' Click here to be taken to the page where he discusses the practices and where he offers transcripts of the guided sessions.
The first of the two practices he offers is for working with difficult emotions, the second with physical pain. He also has excellent advice on how to approach these practices, including guidance on what to do if we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed. Both are very good, though quite long (about 25 minutes). Allow yourself to go very gently with them, just as Dave Potter himself advises. He includes wise advice both on how to approach these practices and on what to do if we find ourselves feeling overwhelmed.
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The meditations are:
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Meditation for Difficult Emotions (23 min).
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Meditation for Physical Pain (25 min).
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Dave Potter also offers two related documents, each only one-page long. Well worth a read:
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Mark Williams: A ten minute guided session at this link: 'Exploring difficulty' The same session is also on the Mark Williams app: 'Mindfulness: Finding Peace in a Frantic World.' Week Five. (Link here.)
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Vidyamala Burch, founder of Breathworks, lives with chronic pain. In a short talk, only four minutes long, she emphasises the link between mindfulness and kindness. Click here for that excellent talk.
'You can have compassion for yourself, which is not self-pity.
You’re simply recognizing "this is tough,
this hurts."
You are bringing the same warm-hearted
wish for suffering to lessen or end
that you would bring to any dear friend
who might be grappling with the same pain, upset, or challenges as you.'
Rick Hanson, neuropsychologist
and mindfulness teacher.
Our Mind: A Pond
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The usual story goes like this. When we begin mindfulness, we discover that our mind is like a village pond which a herd of cows has just walked through. Mud and sediment and goodness-knows-what is swirling this way and that. It's a mess.
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Soon we realise that no efforts of ours will ever make the mud settle or the water clear. In fact, every effort we make only makes things worse. We cannot force the churned-up sediment to settle. We cannot compel the swirling water to be still.
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But then we discover — though perhaps only little by little — that if we simply sit and watch the sediment (or our swirling mind) without interfering, after a while the sediment (the thoughts) will settle, and we can see more clearly.
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That's the idea. And something like that can indeed happen. But, but, but ... the wise and experienced mindfulness teacher will explain that it's not always so simple. For when the sediment in the pond begins to settle, that's exactly when we begin to become aware of rusty bicycles and discarded prams lurking in the depths. And much the same can happen with our minds.
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Once the 'everyday business' of our minds eases and the incessant distractions diminish, we will begin to see ourselves more clearly — and discover things we'd hadn't expected (things we'd sooner not know about) skulking in the depths. That's when we become aware of things long-forgotten hiding away.
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It can come as a surprise, even a shock; but in itself, it is not a problem. We now have the opportunity to find healing and to bring resolution to these uncomfortable truths. And how does the healing come? Through kindness.
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And notice too that our efforts at kindness will be undergirded with trust and hope. Even before we know it, if we are trying to be kind, then faith and hope and love will always be at work.
The Spoiler
In the Bible which later literature there is a character which is sometimes call Satan. In the Bible this character is usually called 'the satan.' It is a title or description and not what grammarians call a 'proper name.' It simply means 'the accuser'.
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Perhpas the satan is best thought of as a non-person or lapsed person.
This accuser, this satan is a spoiler. He lies and he distorts. He is 'father of lies' (John 8:44). He looks to spoil, to disfigure, to ridicule. One of the early 20th century translations of the New Testament spoke of satan and his minions as 'foul spirits.'
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The accuser and him minions do not have the power to create anything except though distorting or perverting things which, in essence, are good.
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